A friend recently suggested to me to find an outlet for my stress and creativity. Some of the "outlets" included composing music, journaling, and writing poetry. I immediately took to the first two options having enjoyed doing them in the past, but when he suggested writing poetry, I somehow shut off. I tersely replied, "I don't write poetry." He asked why I didn't, and in my head my thoughts rambled to themselves in my subconscious, so jumbled together that the only bit I could understand was that I just couldn't write it. I didn't give him a very good reason why I poetry and I haven't gotten along for a while, but I know he was trying to give encouragement and support even though I was being a brat. Still, I appreciate that he didn't really push the subject because I wasn't ready to sort that out yet.
The truth is, that I used to write poetry when I was younger, quite a bit. Thinking back, though, much of it wasn't probably very good. I used to love playing with the words and not being ashamed of my true personal thoughts and writing them down. But something happened between childhood and college that took away this sense of being comfortable with my own ideas, beliefs, and feelings. I no longer desired to search my heart for what I could feel, mostly because I think there was too much pain to dig up certain memories and I didn't want to acknowledge that truth. In my thinking, not only was the process going to be painful, but also time consuming. Why in the world would I want to write poetry if I was going to have to deal pain, extensive amounts of time and attention, and be held accountable to what I was actually feeling? Better to just avoid poetry all together, right?
Earlier today I was going through these thoughts and confronting my adamant negativity to poetry that was expressed the previous night, hence the previous paragraph. But now what I want to share is a bit of what followed the confrontation:
For Me
Not for anyone else.
Not to please anyone else.
But to please my Lord who
Has given me a mind to think,
And a heart to love,
A body to touch,
And a soul
That holds all that I am together
In a being that is eternal.
I yearn to express this being
With all of the treasures and closets inside.
So much there, and more to unleash.
Let them come:
The inspirations, passions, desires.
The knowledge, truth, and understanding.
Wisdom
For my soul.
While this may not hold much poetical sense to those who are well-versed in the subject, I freely wrote. The rhythm and phrasing came naturally, and it was honest. Thank you, friend, for challenging me to seek out my ideas and challenge my thoughts with the truth that I hold in my mind and heart.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Little Bitty
So Megan and I have adopted this Alan Jackson song into our lives, especially when we just need to smile and dance. Occasionally we enjoy making up our own lyrics to the tune, but they are quite impromptu and not nearly as good as Jackson's version: http://www.myspace.com/alanjackson/music/songs/little-bitty-28437480
Saturday, February 5, 2011
The Days Are Getting Longer
So I know that the hours of daylight technically are increasing, but I was referring to how the past 48-36 hours have been unstoppable. Let's begin:
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I woke up around 5am to begin my day. I was excited to go babysit that morning at 7, but I knew that getting ready, but mainly taking care of the car was going to require quite some time after the nasty, slushy snow-sleet mess we had the night prior. I made my hot oatmeal breakfast and packed it along with some other snacks for later and headed out to my car at 6 to finish up whatever snow-moving I hadn't done the night before (in my attempt to prepare for the snow and the following day, on the night of Feb. 2, I went out to clear out most of my car and de-ice it, hoping to make the morning work a bit easier). There wasn't much more snow on the ground, but rather ice everywhere along out parking spaces. I gave careful attention to each tire removing whatever ice I could so the tires could have some tread to move forward. Well, my work meant nothing. My front right tire spun off and on for about 40 minutes as I got in and out of my car trying to move an inch but failing. By this time I would be late for babysitting so I sent a call to the mom letting her know I was having car trouble and would be there as soon as possible. I proceeded to work at the wheel an additional 10 minutes or so (without asking our neighbor who probably would have helped push out my car had I asked) before swallowing my pride and waking up my dear giving roommate for help. I felt horrible for asking because I was just ranting the previous day about getting cars out of the snow and I know she hates getting up in the morning, but she immediately agreed to help and was being so supportive. Well, she helped me brainstorm and revved the car while I pushed, but nothing seemed to work. We got out the 25 pound bag of ice to try to melt away some of the nastiness, but that didn't work. We even got out the kitty litter that I keep in my trunk for emergencies like this, but that didn't solve the problem either.
At this point I felt absolutely helpless. In most situations I can either muscle my way out of things, create a plan make it work, retreat to a quiet corner, or someone will come and rescue me from whatever trouble I find myself in, but at this point, I couldn't do anything. I was tired. I wasn't strong enough to continue trying to push out the car. I wanted to sit in the middle of the driveway and cry, not caring that my jeans were getting soaked and body freezing. I don't think I have ever felt so helpless. It was a true moment of knowing that I wasn't good enough to do what I wanted, when I wanted, and how I wanted.
Finally around 7:10, Megan and I tried once again to rock out the car. I was standing up to right about my knees in the snow bank behind the car. We got the momentum going enough that in a split second I realized the next push would do it. So on the next rock I pushed as hard as I could so that the part of my body not in snow was parallel to the ground and I fell on my face as the car rolled forward. It didn't hurt too bad, as I'm used to falling throughout my days on a regular basis.
Megan parked the car, got out, came and gave me a hug, and said, "I'll leave the rest up to you, Dearie." I am so thankful for how supportive she was of me. When I truly needed her help, she was there, no questions asked.
Before heading down the road to babysit, Megan and I took a look at my old parking spot. Right where my front right tire had been was a four inch deep hole fitted to my tire and surrounded by ice. No wonder it was so hard to get the tire out. :-/
**************************************************
My days at work really aren't bad. I get to watch a cute 19 month old girl who is so smart and cute, sometimes I can't stand it. She's definitely at the age where she has separation anxiety when mom leaves, but I'm glad that she knows me well enough she calms down one to two minutes later. We spend most of our time reading together. She especially likes Clifford, the Big, Red Dog and Curious George. It was an short day with her, as the family was getting ready for a trip that weekend. Shortly after the mom got home I headed home myself for lunch.
**************************************************
Once home, I got a message from my manager at the school where I work as a teacher giving voice lessons that I only had one student that day. With an early dismissal, I wanted to do something that night. I proposed to Megan that we go out. She was game. As we were brainstorming on how to spend the evening we went through a couple of thought processes: we've been meaning to have a nice pancake dinner for the past couple of nights, we need to see people because it's been January and we live in no-man's-land, it's cold in our house so let's go somewhere with heating, we started a cool Boston puzzle at Greg's so we could work on that...Greg probably has the night off...Let's go to Greg's for pancake dinner and a movie/puzzle! We sent the message and finalized plans to head there around 7, meeting him around the same time he would get home.
I got off of work from the school around 5, so Megan and I ran a few errands, most of which revolved around taking care of the car. We went to the gas station where it's the cheapest in the area and I've put air in my tires for free months ago. Well, the air pump wasn't there, so I assumed it wouldn't be available until the following day. So then we went to try to get the car washed at the Shell station a couple towns south of where we were. This station was recommended to me by two friends, and they said there's discount available if you fill your tank with a certain amount of gas from them.
When we pulled into the lot the first thing on our left was a vacuum and air machine. I wasn't sure if I would wait until the next day to go back to the cheap gasoline station for gas and air, but Megan gave me the $.75 to fill my tires right then and there. After filling the tires with air and checking them again, it didn't seem as though the pump did anything to increase the psi. My time had run out and I thought, I'll just go to the other place to fill the tires tomorrow.
We got in line to fill up our tank and receive our discount for the car wash. When I pulled up and read the little menu with prices, I wouldn't be able to even qualify for the car wash discount because I wouldn't put the required number of gallons into the car. So without filling up, we just went to have the car washed.
I had never been through a car wash like this. I was nervous. Megan on the other hand, could hardly contain herself. She was so excited, smiling, laughing, and carrying on saying how it's almost like going on a ride at an amusement park. It's moments like this that I love that Megan and I get to be roommates and hang out together: I pulled up the video function on my phone and we recorded us going through my first car wash. Well, we thought we did. Apparently my video memory was full, so we didn't get the footage, but that's how nerdy we are, documenting life.
With the car mostly taken care of, Megan and I went shopping for dinner's groceries. We decided the menu to be chocolate chip pancakes, orange juice, and bacon. I also picked up a pair of slippers during our food pursuit! By the time we got everything we would need to cook, it was time to head to Greg's. We got there shortly after he did, so we all carried in groceries together and got to work.
Megan and I set our attentions to the kitchen, washing dishes and getting the food started. Greg had just bought a new projector, so he started fixing that up for our movie. He also got a call from our friend Steve who would soon be coming over and joining us for dinner. Megan and I were super excited to share the meal and evening with another friend. As Megan and I were cooking we were laughing, talking in our funny "Marty and Luigi" accents, and making the most of cooking together. When Megan was adding the chocolate chips to the pancakes she made an assortment of shapes, faces, card suits, etc. It took a while for everything to get done, but we did all dine together and feasted upon our sweet meal.
While eating, Greg suggested putting on a movie. As were were scanning the Netflix instant play selections, I spotted the title, Yosemite. Being the National Park California girl that I am, I excitedly gave my contribution, and it went over extremely well. Watching a National Park documentary fit our group very well as Steve loves being outside, Greg loves hiking, and Megan loves nature. We quickly agreed to watch the film and were happily eating pancakes and absorbing the lush beauty of Yosemite.
After the Yosemite movie was over, Greg quickly suggested another movie to follow, Groundhog's Day. Megan nor I have seen it, and the last time Steve saw it was late middle school or early high school. Although Greg watched it the day before, on Groundhog's Day proper, he said he didn't mind watching it again so we all would have the great opportunity to enjoy the recent celebration and good movie. It was good...entertaining...a bit repetitive, but still good.
By this time I was practically falling asleep on the couch and ready for bed. We cleared the table from our plate remnants and got ready to head home. It was an excellent impromptu evening.
**************************************************
When Megan and I got home, we still had leftover pancake batter to use. We made up the rest and even enjoyed another each, fresh from the griddle. By the time we actually got to bed it must have been close to 2 in the morning. Oh, what a day.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I woke up around 5am to begin my day. I was excited to go babysit that morning at 7, but I knew that getting ready, but mainly taking care of the car was going to require quite some time after the nasty, slushy snow-sleet mess we had the night prior. I made my hot oatmeal breakfast and packed it along with some other snacks for later and headed out to my car at 6 to finish up whatever snow-moving I hadn't done the night before (in my attempt to prepare for the snow and the following day, on the night of Feb. 2, I went out to clear out most of my car and de-ice it, hoping to make the morning work a bit easier). There wasn't much more snow on the ground, but rather ice everywhere along out parking spaces. I gave careful attention to each tire removing whatever ice I could so the tires could have some tread to move forward. Well, my work meant nothing. My front right tire spun off and on for about 40 minutes as I got in and out of my car trying to move an inch but failing. By this time I would be late for babysitting so I sent a call to the mom letting her know I was having car trouble and would be there as soon as possible. I proceeded to work at the wheel an additional 10 minutes or so (without asking our neighbor who probably would have helped push out my car had I asked) before swallowing my pride and waking up my dear giving roommate for help. I felt horrible for asking because I was just ranting the previous day about getting cars out of the snow and I know she hates getting up in the morning, but she immediately agreed to help and was being so supportive. Well, she helped me brainstorm and revved the car while I pushed, but nothing seemed to work. We got out the 25 pound bag of ice to try to melt away some of the nastiness, but that didn't work. We even got out the kitty litter that I keep in my trunk for emergencies like this, but that didn't solve the problem either.
At this point I felt absolutely helpless. In most situations I can either muscle my way out of things, create a plan make it work, retreat to a quiet corner, or someone will come and rescue me from whatever trouble I find myself in, but at this point, I couldn't do anything. I was tired. I wasn't strong enough to continue trying to push out the car. I wanted to sit in the middle of the driveway and cry, not caring that my jeans were getting soaked and body freezing. I don't think I have ever felt so helpless. It was a true moment of knowing that I wasn't good enough to do what I wanted, when I wanted, and how I wanted.
Finally around 7:10, Megan and I tried once again to rock out the car. I was standing up to right about my knees in the snow bank behind the car. We got the momentum going enough that in a split second I realized the next push would do it. So on the next rock I pushed as hard as I could so that the part of my body not in snow was parallel to the ground and I fell on my face as the car rolled forward. It didn't hurt too bad, as I'm used to falling throughout my days on a regular basis.
Megan parked the car, got out, came and gave me a hug, and said, "I'll leave the rest up to you, Dearie." I am so thankful for how supportive she was of me. When I truly needed her help, she was there, no questions asked.
Before heading down the road to babysit, Megan and I took a look at my old parking spot. Right where my front right tire had been was a four inch deep hole fitted to my tire and surrounded by ice. No wonder it was so hard to get the tire out. :-/
**************************************************
My days at work really aren't bad. I get to watch a cute 19 month old girl who is so smart and cute, sometimes I can't stand it. She's definitely at the age where she has separation anxiety when mom leaves, but I'm glad that she knows me well enough she calms down one to two minutes later. We spend most of our time reading together. She especially likes Clifford, the Big, Red Dog and Curious George. It was an short day with her, as the family was getting ready for a trip that weekend. Shortly after the mom got home I headed home myself for lunch.
**************************************************
Once home, I got a message from my manager at the school where I work as a teacher giving voice lessons that I only had one student that day. With an early dismissal, I wanted to do something that night. I proposed to Megan that we go out. She was game. As we were brainstorming on how to spend the evening we went through a couple of thought processes: we've been meaning to have a nice pancake dinner for the past couple of nights, we need to see people because it's been January and we live in no-man's-land, it's cold in our house so let's go somewhere with heating, we started a cool Boston puzzle at Greg's so we could work on that...Greg probably has the night off...Let's go to Greg's for pancake dinner and a movie/puzzle! We sent the message and finalized plans to head there around 7, meeting him around the same time he would get home.
I got off of work from the school around 5, so Megan and I ran a few errands, most of which revolved around taking care of the car. We went to the gas station where it's the cheapest in the area and I've put air in my tires for free months ago. Well, the air pump wasn't there, so I assumed it wouldn't be available until the following day. So then we went to try to get the car washed at the Shell station a couple towns south of where we were. This station was recommended to me by two friends, and they said there's discount available if you fill your tank with a certain amount of gas from them.
When we pulled into the lot the first thing on our left was a vacuum and air machine. I wasn't sure if I would wait until the next day to go back to the cheap gasoline station for gas and air, but Megan gave me the $.75 to fill my tires right then and there. After filling the tires with air and checking them again, it didn't seem as though the pump did anything to increase the psi. My time had run out and I thought, I'll just go to the other place to fill the tires tomorrow.
We got in line to fill up our tank and receive our discount for the car wash. When I pulled up and read the little menu with prices, I wouldn't be able to even qualify for the car wash discount because I wouldn't put the required number of gallons into the car. So without filling up, we just went to have the car washed.
I had never been through a car wash like this. I was nervous. Megan on the other hand, could hardly contain herself. She was so excited, smiling, laughing, and carrying on saying how it's almost like going on a ride at an amusement park. It's moments like this that I love that Megan and I get to be roommates and hang out together: I pulled up the video function on my phone and we recorded us going through my first car wash. Well, we thought we did. Apparently my video memory was full, so we didn't get the footage, but that's how nerdy we are, documenting life.
With the car mostly taken care of, Megan and I went shopping for dinner's groceries. We decided the menu to be chocolate chip pancakes, orange juice, and bacon. I also picked up a pair of slippers during our food pursuit! By the time we got everything we would need to cook, it was time to head to Greg's. We got there shortly after he did, so we all carried in groceries together and got to work.
Megan and I set our attentions to the kitchen, washing dishes and getting the food started. Greg had just bought a new projector, so he started fixing that up for our movie. He also got a call from our friend Steve who would soon be coming over and joining us for dinner. Megan and I were super excited to share the meal and evening with another friend. As Megan and I were cooking we were laughing, talking in our funny "Marty and Luigi" accents, and making the most of cooking together. When Megan was adding the chocolate chips to the pancakes she made an assortment of shapes, faces, card suits, etc. It took a while for everything to get done, but we did all dine together and feasted upon our sweet meal.
While eating, Greg suggested putting on a movie. As were were scanning the Netflix instant play selections, I spotted the title, Yosemite. Being the National Park California girl that I am, I excitedly gave my contribution, and it went over extremely well. Watching a National Park documentary fit our group very well as Steve loves being outside, Greg loves hiking, and Megan loves nature. We quickly agreed to watch the film and were happily eating pancakes and absorbing the lush beauty of Yosemite.
After the Yosemite movie was over, Greg quickly suggested another movie to follow, Groundhog's Day. Megan nor I have seen it, and the last time Steve saw it was late middle school or early high school. Although Greg watched it the day before, on Groundhog's Day proper, he said he didn't mind watching it again so we all would have the great opportunity to enjoy the recent celebration and good movie. It was good...entertaining...a bit repetitive, but still good.
By this time I was practically falling asleep on the couch and ready for bed. We cleared the table from our plate remnants and got ready to head home. It was an excellent impromptu evening.
**************************************************
When Megan and I got home, we still had leftover pancake batter to use. We made up the rest and even enjoyed another each, fresh from the griddle. By the time we actually got to bed it must have been close to 2 in the morning. Oh, what a day.
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