As a child I used to pride myself in concealing my emotions and being strong enough to have control over my feelings. Little did I know that I wasn't in "control" of my emotions because it's rather difficult to be in control of something you don't know and understand.
***
Part of my job at the preschool where I work is to help the children build conflict-resolution skills. Often the younger children struggle with being able to put words to their concerns or feelings, so much of my interaction with them is helping label these new emotions that cause them inability to work or communicate.
Being with these children has strengthened my understanding that to be emotionally healthy takes work, practice, and is a skill. I can't just know how I feel, but need guidance and help in labeling what I may be going through. I need to talk to people and hear their stories to better understand my own; time is on my side. Just like these children, I have found the joy in labeling my own feelings as they closely connect to a physical reaction. Much of this learning is taking place as a 24 year old adult, but heck, it's better to learn late than never! :)
***
Now this is all to say that I
thought that I concealed my emotions well, but for those of you who know me (apparently better than I know myself), I do
not. Yes, I have come to learn, and accept, that I, Kathryn Rose Hayashi, wear my emotions on my sleeve.
Whether it's weariness from a long work shift, or empathy for that woman on the show, or the feeling I get every time I'm hungry, it goes straight to my face. Spend enough time with me and you can know
exactly how I'm feeling at almost any given moment, and if you're unsure and wanted to brave it, you could probably ask and I'd gladly tell you.
***
Even though I fear that the world views me as a soft, incompetent, and weak, feeling woman, I am learning to embrace this softness that is so much of my design. Sometimes it is important for those of us who feel, and wear it on our sleeves, to serve as a reminder to the world that life is not just about the to do's, have done's, deadlines, and benchmarks, but that our beings carry so much more than our physical selves. Just as beauty is overlooked, unvalued, or forgotten, to feel is necessary to our human experience.
***
One of my favorite parts about working at a preschool is that I can be soft. I can show the children that I care for them and who they are in little ways like tying their shoes or accepting and praising gifts of artwork. In their eyes, I am not someone who is weak, lost, or who should be inferior to anyone else. Rather, I am someone who soothes their anxious minds, encourages their dreams and creativity, and teaches them so that they may grow into independent people with selves of their own.
***
Though I don't see you
Still, Lord, I love you.
You've given me hope,
You've given me life...
Through all my trials
Still, Lord, you're with me.
I have your Word,
You're coming back for me.
Might be today I look into your eyes,
Might be today I see your face,
Might be today You place your wounded hands
On my tear-stained face.
Might by today...
Prayers and Promises, Chapel Band
