This is what I have to offer. Do you want it? Is it good enough?

This fall/winter academic season has put me in the position to question many things about myself and the life God has given me. One of the themes includes perfectionism and how it calls into question my perspective of what I have to offer my professors, my colleagues, my friends, my family, and my Lord. Am I good enough? How is it that I continue time and time again to fall short? There can't possibly be more grace, can there? Even when I think that I'm starting to do better, can pick myself up a bit, and lower my standards of self-expectation, something happens when I realize that still my lessened standards are still too high. How can this be? How much more of what I know this can be do I need to sacrifice? 

I know that my life is not my own. That I am just a vessel for God to do His work, and that He does work through the imperfections of this world, including me. With this in mind, and due to the holiday season, this Christmas season I have had great empathy and appreciation for the song Little Drummer Boy. Just like this boy, I have been thinking about what I have to offer my King who saves me day after day. It isn't much. But God knows my heart and has given me gifts to continue to sing His praises. So let me offer Him what I have, make it the best I can in this time, and let it be. I know He will still smile at me.


Little Drummer Boy

Come they told me,
A new born King to see.
Our finest gifts we bring,
To lay before the King.

So to honor Him,
When we come.

Little Baby,
I am a poor boy too.
I have no gift to bring
That's fit to give the King.

Shall I play for you
On my drum?

Mary nodded.
The ox and lamb kept time.
I played my drum for Him;
I played my best for Him.

Then He smiled at me,
Me and my drum.

Here I Am, Lord, arr. Ovid Young

I, the Lord of sea and sky,

I have heard My people cry.

All who dwell in dark and sin,

My hand will save.

I who made the stars of night,

I will make their darkness bright.

Who will bear My light to them?

Whom shall I send?

Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?

I have heard You calling in the night.

I will go Lord, if You lead me.

I will hold Your people in my heart.

I, the Lord of snow and rain,

I have born my peoples pain.

I have wept for love of them, They turn away.

I will break their hearts of stone,

Give them hearts for love alone.

I will speak My word to them,

Whom shall I send?

Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?

I have heard You calling in the night.

I will go Lord, if You lead me.

I will hold Your people in my heart.

I, the Lord of wind and flame,

I will tend the poor and lame.

I will set a feast for them,

My hand will save

Finest bread I will provide,

Till their hearts be satisfied.

I will give My life to them,

Whom shall I send?

Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?

I have heard You calling in the night.

I will go Lord, if You lead me.

I will hold Your people in my heart.

My heart goes out to the victims in the Philippines who face tragedy from Typhoon Haiyan. Lord, let Your name be praised through trials and tribulation that we don't even understand.

For All the Saints

Hymns:
For All the Saints
God Be With You Till We Meet Again

Prayer:

I Love the Lord

I love the Lord,

because he has heard my voice and my supplications.

Because he inclined his ear to me,

therefore I will call on him as long as I live.

The snares of death encompassed me;

I suffered distress and anguish.

Then I called on the name of the Lord:

"Oh Lord, I beseech thee, save my life!"

Gracious is the Lord, and righteous;

our God is merciful.

The Lord preserves the simple;

when I was brought low, he saved me.

Return, O my soul, to your rest;

for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

For thou hast delivered my soul from death,

my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling;

I walk before the Lord

in the land of the living.

What shall I render to the Lord

for all his bounty to me?

 I will lift up the cup of salvation

and call on the name of the Lord,

I will pay my vows to the Lord

in the presence of all his people.

Precious is the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.

O Lord, I am thy servant, the son of thy handmaid. Thou has loosed my bonds.

I will offer to thee the sacrifice of thanksgiving

and call on the name of the Lord.

I will pay my vows to the Lord, in the presence of all his people,

in the courts of the house of  the Lord, in your midst, O Jerusalem. 

Praise the Lord!

Psalm 116:1-3a, 3c-9, 12-19

Hymn: 

When All Thy Mercies, O My God

Chatting with my Bro!

So much LOVE!!!

Happy Places, Fall 2013

Staying with the Modaff's after camp and VT.

I love you, Neville. Didn't have the heart to post Remus. ;(

The Lord's provision

Settling in

View from the house! Incredible.

Reading on the porch

Secret gifts

Covered Wagon at Apple Picking

Visting a friend, 9/11/13

Safe Haven

Happy Place

To get through the day

Surrounded by His presence

Loving Life 

A Satisfying Meal

New England Autumn at Its Best!

Glowing

Pretty much captures us both as we are...

NH Weekend, and visit to the FunSpot. :) Say "Yes" to Star Wars.

Dreaming about this year's Christmas...So excited!!!!!!!!!!!

Autumn

Babysitting Fun with Beads

Reminded Encouragement from Childhood Memories

To Daddy and Dan Seals:

Thank you for the music that you gave me. There will always be this sweet place in my heart for love and the hope for tomorrow in God's power and fullness in my life.

In personal reflection to Christ's promise to me:

I Will Be There

We have known each other for us long

We are most like one

And the ties of our love are so strong

They could never be undone

But if you should ever get restless

Just remember where ever you go

[Chorus:]

In every smile, every face

Any time, any place

I will be there

Like a light in the dark

When you look in your heart

You'll stop and stare

And I will be there

There are times when you may get lonely

Feeling lost on your own

But if there's one thing this love has shown me

We are never alone

And no matter how far away you are

My love follows you

[Chorus]

On a cold night, in the moonlight

When you're dreamin', and when you rise in the sunrise

Baby, I swear I will be there

Cause no matter how far away you are

My love follows you

[Chorus]

I will be there, any time, I will be there

On a cold night, in the moonlight and when you rise, in the sunrise

Baby I will be there

Psalm 36:5-9

Your love is faithful, Lord,

and even the clouds in the sky can depend on you.

Your decisions are always fair.

They are firm like mountains, deep like the sea, and all people and animals are under your care.

Your love is a treasure, and everyone finds shelter

in the shadow of your wings.

You give your guests a feast in your house,

and you serve a tasty drink that flows like a river.

The life-giving fountain belongs to you,

and your light gives light to each of us.

Morning Wake Up Song

This summer as I was preparing for camp life and the management of 18 little girls, I heard of a strategy for the morning routine: to wake up each morning to the same song. The kids would gradually come to love the consistency of each morning and the new exciting adventures on which we would embark. Some campers may not show their love for camp at first, and would probably complain about the song and unseemly hour Kari and I were waking the girls up, but veteran counselors encouraged us as in their experience, by the end of the week, the campers were usually singing and bee-bopping along to the music. Returning campers weeks later often would even request the song as they remembered it from previous weeks. Were I to pursue this type of daily wake up call, I had to be sure to pick a song that I could stand for most of the summer!

Well, Kari and I worked out our music routine for those two months this summer, but this thought of routine, especially waking up in the morning, has been something I've been subconsciously thinking about since classes have begun. With my changing schedule each week, the ever growing to do list, and attempts of running errands in my days, I need a happy place just to get this tired body out of bed. As I'm learning how the body thrives on routine and patterns (well, at least mine does), I have taken a couple of minutes most mornings to indulge my ears and my mind with a promise and reminder that while my days may be long, and I'm in a transitional stage of life, my hope each day lies elsewhere and that's my life's purpose. How much greater it is to know that my life has intent, and the responsibility of my being and what I am doing, every little detail, contributes to a greater plan!

Here's to my morning:

Happy Birthday, Daddy!!!

Whether it's a good game, or a short walk, time with you is always loved.

Your,

Kate

Faith, Trust, and Praise

^{Psalm 94: 18-19}

¹⁸ When I thought, “My foot slips,”
    your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up.
¹⁹ When the cares of my heart are many,
    your consolations cheer my soul.

Psalm 9: 1-2

1 I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart;
    I will recount all of your wonderful deeds.
² I will be glad and exult in you;
    I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.

Time To Dream...

Writing ideas and topics for when the mind just needs to go:

• What's your life's purpose?
• What kinds of things would you like to accomplish or have happen in your future?
• What dreams did you or do you have for your life?
• What are you here on the planet for?
• What are human beings on the planet for, in your view?
• What area do you think you could make a contribution in?
• What kinds of things compel you?
• What makes your heart sing?
• What kinds of things will you be doing when you have resolved this problem?
• How will you be different with other people when you no longer have this problem?
• How will others recognize that you no longer have this problem if you haven't told them it is gone?

Psalm 4: 4, 5

Tremble, and do not sin;

Meditate in your heart upon your bed, and be still.

Offer the sacrifices of righteousness,

And trust in the Lord.

You know you've been at camp too long when...

• Your leg hair begins to grow back from having waxed at the beginning of camp.
• You've lost a good five pounds.
• You can only audiate camp songs all day long.
• You give up cocoa butter in attempt to minimize mosquito bites.
• Your nails start changing colors and cracking from all the nail polish remover and constantly changing colors every few days.
• Camp eggs during breakfast begin to taste normal.
• Tuesdays are not complete without tacos.

 Contributions by Kari Fillian

• You are suprised when toilets don't have foam!
• You look forward to opening day breakfast because:

1. you get semi-normal breakfast.
2. you get to eat with staff members.

Reflection on Summer 2013

Psalm 121

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;

From where shall my help come?

My help comes from the Lord,

Who made heaven and earth.

He will not allow your foot to slip;

He who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, He who keeps Israel

Will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is your keeper;

The Lord is your shade on your right hand.

The sun will not smite you by day,

Nor the moon by night.

The Lord will protect you from all evil;

He will keep your soul.

The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in

From this time forth and forever.

From the first time I stepped foot into my cabin room early this summer in June, on the wall there was a greeting, Psalm 121. My dear friend, co-counselor, and now roommate for the summer, had thoughtfully written the psalm on note cards, and placed them above her dresser as a daily reminder and prayer for each day at camp. Many mornings I would wake up from the bottom bunk and look across the room just to read the promise and truth so faithfully hanging for all to see.

The overlying theme that sticks out to me is the phrase, "to keep." What does it mean?

We often talk about things or people in our lives that we want "to keep" around. This phrase may come up when we are doing our spring cleaning: do I keep the old wicker chair or make room for a new piece of furniture; I have four shirts of the same color and similar design...I love them all, but they sure are taking up a lot of space and variety can be a good thing...so which do I keep; or I've had these jeans for a long time, and they are my absolute favorite pair so I'm going to keep them, even though they are terribly worn and faded. 

With people, "keeping" friends and family around is clearly more serious of a matter than going through personal belongings, so the actions associated with "to keep" change and become deeper. To keep people, we think about the devotion and sacrifices we make to be in community with them. We remember and cherish experiences and memories shared and know the connection that time brings in passing. "To keep" the people we love close to us, we overlook and give grace to the not-so-delightful characteristics and actions in others because we know that down underneath lies goodness, truth, and hope. Choosing to keep people in our lives requires effort, setting aside our own plans, intentionally seeking out others, living through the inconveniences, calling for help when we feel unworthy or burdensome, making ourselves vulnerable and dependent in a world where we're supposed to be headstrong individuals making our own successful way, and loving when it's hard and the proverbial "well of life" seems empty. All of this action with people suddenly translates into another word all of a sudden: commitment. 

This can be a dreaded and shied-away-from word because when commitment comes into the picture, reality and truth of the situation shows its true colors. When I choose to "keep in contact" and really mean it, I am making a commitment to that person to write them and check in from time to time. When I say I am going to pray for you and your situation, I make a commitment to you and to being with you as best I can. I believe that a large part of our mission and process of life is to be in community with others, make commitments to one another, and see them through together, just as Christ came to be with mankind in our community and continues to do so. He keeps me.

Throughout the summer when I was tired, sore, hurt, overjoyed, fulfilled, and resting, God was with me, chose, and chooses to keep me. His faithfulness and unchanging nature met me these past few months and continues to curb my life. He and our commitment lays at the center of each day and, I pray, that I will continue to choose and keep Him at my center. Each day is new, and the promise and opportunity "to keep" begins again. Yesterday is gone, and I have another chance now. We continue to think about new ways and truths in which God is our keeper and how He takes care of his people. While we discover more of God's nature, his nature itself doesn't change, but as we continue to grow and learn and experience new things, this question never really ends: how, and do we, in turn keep the Lord?

***

Lord, 

How I still desperately search for your truth and goodness and grace to learn more about you each day. Help me to remember how truly blessed I am; You have given me so much more in this life than I deserve. That despite my shortcomings, you keep me, you are in charge and provide for me. Whether in this lifetime or in eternity in heaven, I have hope that you will bless me, you will enlarge  and prosper me, you will be with me always and nothing can separate me from you (Rom 8:38-39). I do not expect this now, but in your timing as you prepare a place for me. You keep me. You don't discard me or put me on the front lawn with a "for sale" sign or an "unwanted" label. You keep me. You find value in me. You find a way to fix me up and use me for a specific purpose you have in mind. You cherish me and do not want to be without me. The love I have for you is precious in your eyes. You make me beautiful. You build me up and have designed and crafted me in a way that you adore your creation. You have made a graceful creature in me, which has only been transformed by your love and mercy, and my surrender. When you keep me, you love me. 

I am kept, therefore, I am loved.

Camp Wonderland 2013: I'll Never Forget When...

• I sprained my foot the day before first opening day.
• Elijah and I jammed on the keyboard with vocals to Just Around the Riverbend.
• during Session 1 at Pioneer, we trucked through the woods to Pheasant's Place! So much fun and proud of our team (props to Casey, and smiles for Kari) and our campers. Best of all was cleaning out the campers' shoes in the shower where I'm convinced half of the mud from the woods went down the drain.
• I sat on the bench with a Amber and prayed with her.
• we sang our campers to sleep every night.
• I received a mystery beauty package in the mail...I still don't know who sent it!
• I sang hymns and folk songs alone in the chapel.
• I fell through the tire, and hit the ground hard on the triangle course. I love ropes! Seriously, I do.
• one evening during Session 6 I knelt at the altar and hashed out life before and with God.
• OGU had our night out on the pontoon and played Never-Have-I-Ever.
• I helped raise the flag with Katie Berkley.
• Kari made me hot tea in the morning and I drank it from my bed. :)
• I held back Sara's hair on closing day when she had a stomach bug. :(
• I rear ended my co on leaving day...

23 Signs You're Secretly An Introvert

23 Signs You're Secretly An Introvert

Many thanks for Megan who found this blog and shared via facebook. If you're curious about many of my personal introverted thoughts, I highly recommend reading this article for yourself. :)

Camp Wonderland: Last Will and Testament 2013

I, Kate Hayashi, being of grateful mind and recovering body, hereby leave

Kari: my supply of cocoa butter, cotton balls and nail polish, apple cider vinegar and honey, a dent repair kit, a moth/fly swatter, my Gordon sweatshirt, my stargazing book and planisphere app, the Sharon community center, and all the love I could give to the best co-counselor I could have had this summer. God's timing is always the best!

Taylor: my bottle of witch hazel, some cotton balls, and a big hug.

Elizabeth: my friendship bracelet string to be used, my board games including Twister and Clue, and open arms for a hug or shoulder when needed.

Kaitlyn: all of my country music and tissue paper

Taletha: any more pieces of pizza my allergic body should not eat and my straw hat.

Rachel: as many hugs and cuddles as my arms can give.
 
Alysia: all my unwritten journals to welcome your sketches and notes, and my volleyball gear.

Jen: the Atkinson Chapel and the Hannah Montana Hoedown Throwdown.

Katie: the satisfaction of ruining my best never-have-I-ever card with flag raising, but also knowing how your presence comforts me and I couldn't and wouldn't have done it without you.

Cam: my supple of Mediterranean hummus and some ear plugs.

Cruz: a copy of that picture and a revised version of the Hayashi family tree. Much love, Brother!

Brad: my striper bass from Lake Massapoag.

Hannah: all my Twinings decaf tea (it's the best I could do for tea...) and a happy heart.

Elijah: my Icy Hot bottle, my ice pack and athletic wrap, and my wicked awesome tan you didn't get this summer!

Bill Rollins: my score of Mozart's Exsultate Jubilate

Camp Wonderland Staff 2013: my love. Also, the recognition that you have been a part of my best summer in New England. I praise and thank God for all the love and support you have given me these past two months.

A Specialist

I've mostly considered myself a jack-of-all-trades-master-of-none type person considering all of my passions and hobbies: volleyball, crafts, puzzles, music, education, reading, games, knot-tying, fishing, golf, cooking and baking, shopping, slightly-piqued interest in fashion and beauty...but I am beginning to realize how essential music is a part of my life. Over the first half of the summer I have been working with children in various camp activities, such as nature, arts and crafts, recreation games, devotion time in the evening, etc. In most all of these activities I love being and flourish, which really is making my camp counselor experience terribly rewarding and exhausting all at the same time. That said, one special week there was an emphasis on music and fine arts. Now, in addition to the regular activities listed above, the campers and I also partook in various music ensembles, theory classes, other music/arts activities. I was preparing theory lessons with Popsicle sticks, memorizing music, rehearsing, and on the last day with performances I found myself tearing up and so proud of the girls in my cabin. Watching them sing and share the skills they had been working on all week was such a beautiful sight! It was at this point that I was affirmed in comparison to all of the other regular camp weeks that I am a specialist. In music. Music education. Vocal/Choral music education.

I love what I study, and want to pursue the field and beauty of music through creating, dedication, skill-building, and unity over the rest of my life. This does not necessarily bound me to a classroom, but I know that these skills may translate into many other areas of life. This field energizes me and encourages me whether practicing by myself, or rehearsing in large ensembles. Often I find myself stumbling over my own words in conversation with colleagues and friends, but in the music education setting, bubbles of thoughts, ideas, and connections flow out of my mouth. Praise God for all of my gifts, but I am especially thankful for the ability to learn and share music with those around me. I am learning how God has gifted me with ears to hear, and a desire to learn to continue to anchor this skill in music.

For more pictures, check out the Camp Wonderland website: http://69.195.124.65/~campwond/.

Psalm 149: 1-4

*Praise the Lord!

Sing to the Lord a new song,

And His praise in the congregation of the godly ones.

*Let Israel be glad in his Maker;

Let the sons of Zion rejoice in their King.

*Let them praise His name with dancing;

Let them sing praises to Him with timbrel and lyre.

*For the Lord takes pleasure in His people;

He will beautify the afflicted ones with salvation.

Delight, Psalm 37:4

The purpose of this entry is not to preach, or teach what I initially know of the word delight, but to share in the process of dwelling, meditating, and studying one of God's truths and promises in my life. I pray that as this entry is read, that the Holy Spirit may continue to prosper the development and understanding of God's Living Word in our lives.

As the world knows delight:

Oxford American Dictionaries
delight |diˈlīt|
verb [ trans. ]
please (someone) greatly : an experience guaranteed to delight both young and old.
• [ intrans. ] ( delight in) take great pleasure in : they delight in playing tricks

******

Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the Lord, for He will give you the desires of your heart.

But how do we delight in the Lord? What does that look like? Let's look at other passages of God's Living Word to better understand the meaning of delight.

pliable |ˈplīəbəl|
adjective
easily bent; flexible : quality leather is pliable and will not crack. See note at flexible .
• figurative easily influenced : pliable teenage minds.

I think it is so interesting that "will not crack" is a part of the American dictionary's definition of pliable. We use this term, "Don't crack under pressure," so often, but we don't exactly associate the word pliable to the situations where we hear this common phrase. Usually "Don't crack under pressure" is expressed when there are high expectations, adrenaline, or a competition is at hand which requires our complete focus and locked attention instead of deeply thinking about being soft or pliable. 

So if we reconnect this idea of pliability to the initial verse: (Pliably) Delight yourself in the Lord, for he will give you the desires of your heart. 

This translates to me:

Will not crack, will not depart, will not break from God

Delight yourself in the Lord

 You, do not crack, do not depart, to not break from the Lord, for he will give you the desires of your heart.

 I am reminded of steadfastness.

So, if delight means to be soft, delicate, dainty, or pliable, then how does that look in our daily walk with the Lord?

Job 23:10-12 [ESV]

But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.

¹¹ My foot has held fast to his steps; I have kept his way and have not turned aside.
¹² I have not departed from the commandment of his lips; I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my portion of food.

The Promises in Delighting in the Lord

Psalm 37:11 [NASB]

But the humble will inherit the land And will delight themselves in abundant prosperity (peace, ESV).

Isaiah 58:14 [NASB]

Then you will take delight in the LORD, And I will make you ride on the heights of the earth; And I will feed you with the heritage of Jacob your father, For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.

Isaiah 60: 10-14 [NIV]

“Rejoice with Jerusalem and be glad for her, all you who love her; rejoice greatly with her, all you who mourn over her. 11For you will nurse and be satisfied at her comforting breasts; you will drink deeply and delight in her overflowing abundance.” 12For this is what the Lord says: “I will extend peace to her like a river, and the wealth of nations like a flooding stream; you will nurse and be carried on her arm and dandled on her knees. 13As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem.” 14When you see this, your heart will rejoice and you will flourish like grass; the hand of the Lord will be made known to his servants, but his fury will be shown to his foes.

If you have any prayerful-feedback or Scripture that may further my understanding of how God intends for us to Delight in Him, please feel free to leave a comment.

References:
 Blue Letter Bible. "Dictionary and Word Search for `anag (Strong's 6026)". Blue Letter Bible. 1996-2013. 7 Jun 2013. < http:// www.blueletterbible.org/lang/lexicon/lexicon.cfm?
Strongs=H6026&t=KJV >

Strong's Hebrew Lexicon. "Delight". http://www.eliyah.com/cgi-bin/strongs.cgi?file=hebrewlexicon&isindex=delight
Simons, Keith. Job, a Servant of God. " Wycliffe Associates. 2005. http://www.easyenglish.info/bible-commentary/job-lbw.htm

Psalm 4:7-8

You have put gladness in my heart,
More than when their grain and new wine abound.
In peace I will both lie down and sleep,
For You alone, O Lord, make me to dwell in safety.

Gluten Dairy Free Chocolate Cake

Prep Time: 15 minutes

Cook Time: 20 minutes

Total Time: 35 minutes

Ingredients:

• 1/2 cup superfine brown rice flour
• 1/4 cup millet flour
• 2 tablespoons arrowroot starch OR cornstarch
• 6 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1 1/2 teaspoons gluten-free baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon guar gum OR xanthan gum
• 2 large eggs
• 1/2 cup light coconut milk OR your favorite dairy-free milk substitute
• 2/3 cup sugar
• 1/4 cup light olive oil OR canola oil
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• Pastel colored decorating sugar for sprinkling (optional)

Preparation:

Preheat oven to 350° F / 176° C

Line 12 cupcake tins with paper cups

1. Place all dry ingredients in a large mixing bowl. Whisk to thoroughly combine.
2. Add wet ingredients and beat on high for 1 minute.
3. Fill paper cupcake liners two-thirds full.
4. Bake for 20 to 25 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into the center of the cupcake comes out clean.
5. Cool on a wire rack before frosting cupcakes.

Currently-Reading Bookshelf

To keep my attention and interest:

Every girl needs to read these at some point in her lifetime

Myers-Briggs believer, right here

Because this gave me insight and connection the first time

Borrowed from a fellow music lover

New recommendation from a friend

Reading this aloud to my preschoolers

A classic

I like a wide variety. :)

Clean Sleeves

As a child I used to pride myself in concealing my emotions and being strong enough to have control over my feelings. Little did I know that I wasn't in "control" of my emotions because it's rather difficult to be in control of something you don't know and understand.

***

Part of my job at the preschool where I work is to help the children build conflict-resolution skills. Often the younger children struggle with being able to put words to their concerns or feelings, so much of my interaction with them is helping label these new emotions that cause them inability to work or communicate.

Being with these children has strengthened my understanding that to be emotionally healthy takes work, practice, and is a skill. I can't just know how I feel, but need guidance and help in labeling what I may be going through. I need to talk to people and hear their stories to better understand my own; time is on my side. Just like these children, I have found the joy in labeling my own feelings as they closely connect to a physical reaction. Much of this learning is taking place as a 24 year old adult, but heck, it's better to learn late than never! :)

***

Now this is all to say that I thought that I concealed my emotions well, but for those of you who know me (apparently better than I know myself), I do not. Yes, I have come to learn, and accept, that I, Kathryn Rose Hayashi, wear my emotions on my sleeve. Whether it's weariness from a long work shift, or empathy for that woman on the show, or the feeling I get every time I'm hungry, it goes straight to my face. Spend enough time with me and you can know exactly how I'm feeling at almost any given moment, and if you're unsure and wanted to brave it, you could probably ask and I'd gladly tell you.

***

Even though I fear that the world views me as a soft, incompetent, and weak, feeling woman, I am learning to embrace this softness that is so much of my design. Sometimes it is important for those of us who feel, and wear it on our sleeves, to serve as a reminder to the world that life is not just about the to do's, have done's, deadlines, and benchmarks, but that our beings carry so much more than our physical selves. Just as beauty is overlooked, unvalued, or forgotten, to feel is necessary to our human experience.


***

One of my favorite parts about working at a preschool is that I can be soft. I can show the children that I care for them and who they are in little ways like tying their shoes or accepting and praising gifts of artwork. In their eyes, I am not someone who is weak, lost, or who should be inferior to anyone else. Rather, I am someone who soothes their anxious minds, encourages their dreams and creativity, and teaches them so that they may grow into independent people with selves of their own.

***

Though I don't see you

Still, Lord, I love you.

You've given me hope,

You've given me life...

Through all my trials

Still, Lord, you're with me.

I have your Word,

You're coming back for me.

 

Might be today I look into your eyes,

Might be today I see your face,

Might be today You place your wounded hands 

On my tear-stained face.

Might by today...

Prayers and Promises, Chapel Band

The Process

So I am now going by the name Kate. It's not that I don't like Katie any more, in fact, I still love being called Katie Rose, and Katie will now be an endearing term for all of my family and friends who started knowing me by this name as a marker of our love and friendship. The reason for this change: a feeling...intuition... Ultimately due to a knowing of so much internal change needing to be physicalized.

The past year has included working through so many thoughts, habits, actions, ways of thinking, living, and doing, and questioning almost everything. But in all the questioning, there is one prayer that I have come back to time and time again: that God would reveal Himself to me and that I might know Him better.

So what does answer to prayer look like in this case? 

Well, to start, it has been just over a year since I began meeting with my behavioral health counselor with whom I have been talking through my discomforts, anxieties, grief, inferiority, thoughts and questions about the meaning of faith and hope. These conversations have thrown me into the world of "the process" and I am continuously learning how to be self led in the moment, and I am able to work through ideas, concepts, and personal thoughts of identity, society, and how I am a part of this world.
For example: 

What are our roles as women of God in the world, and how do we uphold our brothers in Christ as we are their sisters? Specifically.

How do people who lead busy lives, and know how they should be spending each moment, create physical space and mental clarity to live in a way that serves others?

How do we as Christians approach daily devotions in a fast-paced, demanding world? What position does that put us in to lose an hour each day from other aspects of our lives? How do I honestly feel about this: cheated, self pity, accepting?

What is rest?

What is Sabbath? 

How does Sabbath and quiet time with the Lord become real for me now, each day?

Within this overall process of dialogue and discovery, some questions reveal wholesome truths, and I can hold them close, treasured and solid to my being; then I may go forward each day knowing and accepting them as a part of who I am. Other questions and ideas take longer to develop into real character, but for now continue to linger on my mind's canvas until I can own them and speak honestly of them. Of course, conclusions from this conversation between my mind and the keys, even now, is also temporary, and expected to change in the future, so that I may come to a deeper understanding of myself and the connection between this human and eternal life.

Christmas Tree Hunt, 2012