Pets

It's amazing how our pets can offer so much comfort. They are only animals, but there's something about that soft fur, wet nose, and loving eyes that can bring so much peace.

I was sitting with Duke today. Within the past month he has become much more needy and loving with me. He'll come up to me and lean his head against my legs, just wanting to be close. Before I sat down, he was licking his front leg, probably where the arthritis is bothering him.
At first I was just petting him, trying to get him to calm down before going to sleep. Then he sat closer to me, letting me stroke his fur. I admit, he smells. Probably because he hasn't been bathed in a while because of the weather. He also hates the water, and it hasn't been worth it for us to battle him into the tub. Well, I was petting him, he let me lean my head on his neck.
It was nice to just sit with him, to just sit with him and think about this past year and all of the hospital visits, lost friendships, moments in my life when I became more of an adult than I had expected. As I was thinking, I realized that the petting had turned into me holding Duke close. I could tell that he could sense my pain and need for his support. He could sense that I could have burst into tears and cried, right then on the ugly brown carpet on our floor, sitting next to a smelly dirty dog, while my face was buried in his fur slightly rocking my body. He didn't mind. I didn't cry. He just sat there letting me lean on him, being strong for me, with me, despite his hurting legs supporting his weight and mine.

Duke is continually showing signs of his age to me and my family. I love my dog.

Jeremiah 1:5-8

5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
And before you were born I consecrated you;
I have appointed you a prophet to the nations."
6 Then I said, "Alas, Lord God!
Behold, I do not know how to speak,
Because I am a youth."
7 But the Lord said to me,
"Do not say, 'I am a youth,'
Because everywhere I send you, you shall go,
And all that I command you, you shall speak.
8 Do not be afraid of them,
For I am with you to deliver you," declares the Lord.

Sacrifice.

My grandpa is back in the hospital. He is supposed to have surgery sometime today, tomorrow, or next Monday...well, sometime soon.

I'm finally beginning to understand friendship. And what I mean by understand, is learning by doing. I'm finally talking to people. Learning to listen and share.

I'm learning what it means to love. My close friend told me that love is not an emotion, but it's an action, or rather actions. Love is doing someone's laundry. It is caring for someone when they are ill or in need of support. Love is sitting with someone and not needing to say anything because your very presence is comforting to them. Love is obedience. It involves picking up the slack for one who can't do any more on their own. Love is working towards fixing problems in a relationship, instead of running away from them. Sometimes the love you put into a relationship is not returned. Love is sacrifice.

Conclusions

I have finally come to settlement with a few things about me: I will never be a party person, I will never keep a clean room/house, and for as frugal as I am, I still spend too much money.

The cast party for Ragtime was very nice. Lots of food, good company, pictures, movies, chatting with folks you haven't seen in a year or so. But big crowds are just not appealing to me. I think it's the din. Just so loud, I like quietness. I like the intimacy of smaller settings. I also would rather have fewer close friends than multiple acquaintances. Relationships and friendships are important to me and I want those friendships to be meaningful and supportive for both parties.

I am too busy to keep a neat and clean room and even if I could keep tidy living quarters, I wouldn't be home enough to really enjoy them.

Ultimately, I'm poor. Who isn't? But the point is that I need to find a way to save money. Fast.

Head versus Heart

Why is it that all of my most difficult decisions are a battle of head versus heart? For example: working toward a major in music versus math, and going to Gordon or staying in Southern California. I've learned to let my heart lead sometimes because I want to feel so passionately, but then I remember that passion can lead to carelessness and hasty decisions. And I stop myself.

That is why there should be balance between these two. As there should be balance in everything. To start with me, we know that my time balancing skills are a bit askew. Not executing this idea of balance probably is associated with my mentality of wanting to give 100% focus to what I'm doing so that I can accomplish it knowing that I have done my best, and my extreme ambition and confidence to accomplish tasks and desire to help others. Did I also mention that I have a very difficult time multi-tasking? This results in my overly planned days and weeks budgeted to every fifteen minutes. (I couldn't even be relaxed in blogging my acute time schedule. Geez.)

Sometimes I wish that I could just forget one or the other, head or heart, and then I would know which path I should take. It seems like life would be so much easier if I didn't know my options so I would just have to do what I know best. Cowardice. Instead, I have the knowledge and passion to make a responsible and influential decision. I suppose that some may say that pursuing and standing up to the challenge of reason and love is brave and virtuous, but always fighting between brain and spirit is tiring.

Running away. Where does that get anyone, except for a strong desire for water, and tired muscles. What type of character and inner strength could I gain this way?

I must find a way to combine both sides of me: mind and soul.

Moments in the Woods

Dissonance is beautiful.

Without dissonance, there is no beauty.

To get better, one must change.

"Let the moment go...
Don't forget it for a moment, though.
Just remembering you've had and "and",
When you're back to "or",
Makes the "or" mean more
Than it did before.
Now I understand-

And it's time to leave the woods."
-Into the Woods

Consider it pure joy my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds because the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must be mature and complete not lacking in anything. James 1:2-4

Friends

Friendships are such curious adventures. You think that you're as tight and close to a person as you can get, and you doubt that you can become closer friends, and then you do. Friendships display such diverse parts of one's character. You can have so many meanings and impressions on one person in such unintentional ways.

Friends can make you feel so many unexpected emotions even if you feel completely opposite a minute before. For example, I can be extremely grumpy one minute and then talk with a friend the next, and then I may be giggling uncontrollably.

The part about friendships that I'm still getting used to is that feeling of trust. I am often told that I am a very private person. It's not that I don't trust, but it's strange for me to share personal details with people. It doesn't matter who you are and your relationship to me. I just like to keep to myself. But I am beginning to experience and appreciate the deeper friendships that come with sharing my personal details and experiences.

I feel very blessed by my close friendships.

Never Been Asked

Today I was asked the strangest question: "Katie, are you anorexic?" My friends typically don't see me eat out because it's too expensive, so I eat at home. Still, I never thought that I would ever be asked this. For the record, I could never be anorexic; I love food WAY too much.

There's a first time for everything?