Silversense

As of late, I have been trying to allow myself to do more things for myself, than to let my "doom cloud" dictate my actions and feelings. One such allowance was this past Thursday night when Megan and I went to see our friends' band Silversense play at Gulu-Gulu Café in Salem. Not only do I enjoy going to see my friends perform and in their element, but I love the music that they create! I love their sound and I am really able to let my mind unwind as I listen and enjoy the atmosphere around me.

During the middle-end of their show, I was suddenly inspired to get my thoughts out of my head and onto paper...neon signs flashed on in my head saying, "Don't be rude," "Do what you want, "I can't hear her anyway..." Instead of subjecting myself to the usual conversation etiquette, I dropped out of the conversation with Megan and Katie (a band member's sister) and searched through my purse for a pen and grabbed a napkin from its holder. I know in doing this that I was not upholding the expectation for politeness, but I knew that I was having an evening out, I paid for a dinner and dessert, I was enjoying the music, so why ruin the rest of my evening by trying to be a part of a conversation I couldn't hear and attain a headache from straining my senses along the way. I would not ruin such a treat.

In my selfish time to write, this is what came out:

"Sometimes I feel like I'm deaf. I just can't sort through all of the sounds around me. Actually what's happening is I'm finally tuning into my own thoughts, but a glaze falls over my eyes like a smooth film.

The music lets me relax my mind and live in my own world. It's too loud to try to communicate outside so I'm left with myself and things in my head can slow down long enough for me to process...really think through and sort. Not jumbled like when I try to explain myself and stutter to others. It's freeing to know, be in time and sink from my mind, thoughts, words, and down on paper. Finally a time to actually dwell in the present.

This is so good to have introvert time without feeling guilty. I love writing on this napkin...without feeling guilty. No guilt for letting my mind loose. The pen flows on the napkin beneath."

It was such a good feeling to be totally selfish. I did what I wanted at the time, and when I was ready to rejoin the social world, I did. My time to myself was surrounded by music that could lull my tangled thoughts into a peaceful flowing stream to the napkin-plain, but also catch my musical attention in an unexpected progression or flighting motif.

I need more moments to relieve myself of the daily pressures and anxieties. I need to practice being a happy person. The inner mind is a strong asset and companion that may give clarity and understanding, but also has the potential to dim and cloud the present. Be guilt free.