Due

I think I am past due for a more serious blog entry. While taking a few minutes to do a bit of research on various plants has been fun for me, there are more things going on in my life than just gardening.

The past few weeks I have been back in Massachusetts after a wonderful week visiting family in Whittier. My trip home was truly restful and full of quality time with people in my life who will always love me and support me in all that I do. I only wish I had more time there with them. I went into this trip with a mindset of ease, meaning I have no agenda except to be with my family and people I love. Some days were quiet ones at home and others were spent out and about in LA or visiting grandparents. I tried to do a bit of documenting, but more pictures of the week's activities would have been nice.

The trickiest part of the vacation was the week back here in MA afterwards. After most vacations, I need some time to process what has happened anyway, and shortly after returning to Peabody in addition to the trip-processing, I had to begin processing Grandy's health as it took a turn for the worse. This was the first time that there have been health issues with one of my grandparents and I wasn't close by. Being so far away, I was physically unable be supportive and helpful with what needed to happen to care for Grandy, which was different from the close proximity I had when Grandpa and Grandad were in and out of the hospital.

As a result, I retreated most days to the "corners of my mind," not only thinking about the previous week and childhood memories, but also of what may come and how I might respond. I know my dark and disturbed days caused some distress to my roommates and friends in the Northshore, but at the time, I couldn't care about hiding my "poopy" attitude. I had bigger things to think about. In my self-centered world, I was not in a place to be thankful for or even acknowledge their sympathies and sometimes even their presence, yet I still wanted the reassurance of their company at a distance.

Well I got the distance. It so happened that the upcoming week was Fourth of July weekend and many of my friends and all of my roommates were heading out of town for the weekend. This just about caused me to never leave my room again out of depression (except for the fact that I would be cat-sitting and had to). While outwardly upset and feeling abandoned, I knew that I needed this time alone.

The Holy Spirit has been stirring in me, helping me to try to figure out what is going on in my life. It really is prayer answered, as I had been asking that God reveal to me areas in my character and life that I need to work on. The surge of emotion that was seeded with Grandy's poor health, lit a more quiet but unsettled sense in me, like an undetermined craving. It wasn't until I was left alone with God, without the safety and distractions of my family, friends, and roommates, that I would actually turn to Him and face whatever it is He wanted to lay before me.

I rested. Spent time doing activities on my own that I enjoyed doing solely for myself. Gardening. Reading. Generally when I'm with other people, I self-impose activities and ideas to accommodate them or what they would give preference to, but this time it was just me. Being alone made it okay for me to  feel like I was allowed that sense of selfishness.

I went to Romans. I had been thinking about wanting to study this book of the Bible for a while, and what finally got me to go there was a quote from Chuck Smith, a pastor whose sermons I often listen to, 

"Any time you get discouraged, any time you're down, just dig into Romans 8. You can't get though that chapter to the end, and not just be...on top of the world. Look at it, in detail."

I clung to Romans 8. For a few days, I just read that chapter alone out loud, hearing my own voice say the words. From there, I have begun going through the book, chapter by chapter, doing my own study. Coming to terms with the material there. Building my foundation in doctrine. Making connections between the truths I have in my heart and putting them with the Word of God. I pray the the Holy Spirit intercedes for me and helps me to understand what I am reading, so that I take God's word as it is, and not twisting it into something else. I know I am far from having a portion of understanding of what the entire book has to offer, but for now, I am being rooted in my relationship with God.

My life is changing. I feel like I've finally clambered onto the boat and we've just pushed off the dock. I'm getting my bearings and my land legs are adjusting. The boat is still a bit wobbly from the push off, but I'm sensing the rhythm that will soon come from the boat's power and direction against the waves of the sea. It's hope. I'm learning hope.